Love at First Bark Read online

  She glanced at the clock. 7:42. They were going to be pushing it to make it to school on time, but Mia figured this was more important than a first-grade tardy.

  “People think they have answers, Ollie. Doctors, scientists, priests, preachers. Lots of people will tell you they have the answer. And lots of them will tell you that a person with an opinion that’s different from theirs is wrong.”

  “You don’t say that. You say you don’t know.”

  “That’s true.”

  “You’re my mom. You’re supposed to know!” He clenched his fists. The waffle that had been in his left hand crumpled and fell to the floor in pieces.

  Mia pulled out the rickety desk chair and took a seat and a calculated breath. She leaned forward, bracing her elbows on her knees, and looked her son in the eye. “I can see where you would think that, Ol. I’m sorry. I really am.”

  “Grandma Irene said Dad is up in the sky and he can see me. Only he doesn’t have his body, so how does he see? And if it takes a gazillion light years to get across the Milky Way, how can Dad make it to heaven?”

  Ollie’s thin body was lined with so much tension he was shaking. A part of her wanted to say the right words to help him calm down. The other part figured the complete meltdown he seemed to be headed for might be exactly what he needed.

  “I want Dad to still have eyes!” Ollie blurted out, stamping his foot.

  Mia was considering how to respond when her son started screaming and stamping his feet repeatedly and yelling how his dad couldn’t see because he was ash in a jar and how he hated everyone for putting him there.

  Mia sat still and let him scream. She’d only had a few short conversations with Ollie’s therapist, but the woman had made it clear that whenever possible, Ollie should be allowed to process his feelings rather than bottle them in.

  Even though the dogs couldn’t hear Ollie’s outburst, they’d picked up on his state of upset. Sadie dashed off into the bedroom with her tail tucked, but Sam, who’d been chomping and salivating over a nylon bone, began to dash in circles around Ollie, barking and nipping at his feet. Lynn, who’d been taking up the bathroom by showering at the most inopportune time of morning, stepped out quietly and walked to the kitchen with a towel wrapped around her hair and wearing a blue-and-orange kimono-style robe.

  Within a minute or two, Ollie was collapsed in a mound on the floor, burying his face in his arms as he bawled, and Sam was pressing in and inundating him with slobbery licks. Mia had just lifted Sam up and away from her distraught son when Ollie sat up. “Don’t take him. Please.” He reached for Sam and pulled him onto his lap, then dragged his arm over his runny nose.

  Mia sank to the floor and sat in silence as Ollie continued to cry but with much less abandon. She could hear Lynn behind the wall in the kitchen putting on a pot of tea that if they stuck with routine and headed off to school when he recovered, neither she nor Ollie would have time to drink.

  Sadie, hunkered low to the floor, came back into the room and hopped to the couch, watching the commotion from a distance. From the middle of Ollie’s lap, Sam rose up, bracing his front feet against Ollie’s chest, and began exuberantly licking away Ollie’s tears, an act that fairly quickly turned Ollie’s waning sobs into giggles.

  It struck Mia how she’d spent the morning thinking of a pair of eyes that were an exact replica of Brad’s, while her son had been thinking of this.

  And she wanted to know what it meant. Would she be doing Ollie a service or disservice by bringing the baby into their world? She honestly didn’t know. All she knew was that she was committed to treading slowly through this mess.

  Bringing the dogs home had been wonderful, a way to connect and distract at the same time. But she’d been planning on fostering and eventually adopting a dog anyway. The baby was different. He was a human and, more importantly, a potential member of Ollie’s tribe.

  Mia couldn’t help but think it wasn’t a coincidence that of all the dogs at the shelter, it had been Sadie and Sam, a mom and pup, who’d made their way into her and Ollie’s lives.

  “Life begets life,” Lynn said, coming into the room with her damp hair clinging to her neck and the wet towel balled in her hands.

  Mia was suppressing a groan and shooting her mom a look when Ollie asked, “What’s begets?”

  Lynn sank into one of the armchairs and twisted to face Ollie. “It’s an old word that no one really uses anymore, but it’s a pretty word that means ‘to bring or become.’ Life brings life. Life becomes more life. And I can tell you, Ollie, my parents used to tell me to look to heaven for all the answers, but I remember how frustrating that was because you can’t put your finger on heaven. And I think that rather than trying to get your head wrapped around where your father’s soul is, it may be easier to think of all the pieces of him that he left here in the world that helped make it a better place.

  “There’s you, of course. All those stories, all that fun, that’s forever a part of you. And it’s your duty to share all that as you beget more life. And there’s your mom and his friends who are the better for having known him. There’s the art he gave the world. And, yes, there are his ashes. They’ll become part of the earth, and that will give life to flowers and plants, which you know feed the bees and butterflies.”

  Ollie sniffed and nodded. “And some birds.”

  “Yes, and some birds.”

  He fell completely quiet, processing. Finally, he sniffed and dragged his arm across his sleeve again. “Oops. I think I need a new shirt.” He held out his arm and made a face, letting his sadness flow into laughter.

  “I’ll grab one, Ol.”

  “I will.” He squirmed from underneath Sam and dashed off into his room with the puppy trailing at his heels.

  Mia swallowed, collecting herself and swiping away a few stray tears. “I should’ve asked you to explain it to him sooner.”

  “He wasn’t ready to hear it sooner.” Lynn stood as the teapot started a whisper of a whistle in the kitchen, leaving her discarded towel abandoned on the chair. “It’s always that way.”

  “Well, it was good nevertheless.”

  “I can’t take the credit. Death comes easier in Kenya.” Mia had stood up and was collecting the wet towel from the chair when her mom reached the kitchen and turned back. “And Mia…”

  “Yeah?” She knew what her mom was going to say before she said it. In that way of hers, Lynn had already said it without really saying it in her speech to Ollie.

  “That baby… You’re right to trust your instincts. He’s meant to be in Ollie’s world. I’m proud of you for being brave enough to see it.”

  Chapter 24

  Mia’s messenger purse smacked against her thigh just underneath her coat as she neared the Fine Grind where she’d arranged to meet Stacey. She was a minute or two late, but her legs seemed to be turning to lead. She pulled her phone from her bag and typed out a text to Ben.

  Is it crazy that I’m doing this?

  She paced the length of a storefront with a window full of specialty cupcakes as she waited in hope of a quick response. A row of gender-reveal and new-baby cupcakes glared out at her.

  No, it’s perfectly sane. Admirable, even.

  She was debating how to reply when he texted again.

  When he’s old enough, Ollie’s going to thank you.

  Mia suspected that just the simple fact she could text Ben and he’d text her right back was part of what helped ease the wild storm raging in her belly. Having someone unconditionally here for her wasn’t something she was used to, and she made a promise never to take it for granted.

  She knew, too, that Ben would be more here than just through a text if she hadn’t asked for space to work through things.

  Thanks. This helps. A lot.

  She sent it off and typed out another text right after.

  Okay, I’m go
ing in. And in case I forget to tell you later, I’m really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

  Same here. And Mia, you really are the strongest woman I know.

  She typed out a thanks and a goodbye, rolled some of the lingering tension from her shoulders, and headed down the block to the coffee shop. Pausing out front of it, she scanned the tables through the glass and spotted Stacey—impossibly long, straight hair and all—sitting at a table with the baby planted on top, grabbing her nose in his chubby fist.

  That girl slept with my husband.

  It was a more than a touch surreal, walking in to face her. But the strangest part was that the jealousy and anger Mia had expected to feel just weren’t there. Instead, it was almost as if she was at the zoo, walking past an enclosure, looking at a version of her life that didn’t exist any longer.

  Her mom had been right. No real surprise there. Lynn was right way more often than she was wrong. Brad had never been Mia’s great love.

  She used to think her mom was crazy to claim that a few hours of embracing a great love was more profound than a lifetime of compatibility. Mia understood better now. She’d had glimpses of it when she’d been in Ben’s arms, when their bodies were getting lost in each other.

  She wasn’t her mom, and she wasn’t going to make a life decision based on a fleeting feeling, but she was no longer going to discount the possibility of embracing it either. Maybe Ben could be her great love. Maybe he already was.

  And maybe that explained why it was so easy to open the glass door of the coffee shop and wipe her feet on the rug. To weave through the crowd of midmorning coffee connoisseurs to the wall of windows where Stacey was waiting.

  Stacey had big hazel eyes that widened just enough when she spotted her, letting Mia know that even though she’d asked for this meeting, she was nervous.

  “Thanks for coming.” She pulled Brody’s chubby fingers from what looked like a sudden death grip on her nostrils. “Ow, buddy.”

  Mia started to pull out the chair directly across from her but realized the baby would be blocking their view of each other, so she chose the one catty-corner from Stacey instead. Still facing his mom, his chubby legs spread wide, the baby began smacking his hands on the table as he emitted a series of short owl-like “oohs.”

  Mia left her coat on but slung her purse across the back of the chair before sitting down.

  Stacey had her hands wrapped around Brody’s hips. She dug her top teeth into her bottom lip and looked at Mia.

  She was thin as a rail, and that hair of hers went down to her waist. For a split second, Mia wondered if it had gotten in the way when she and Brad were going at it, but after pulling in a breath, she was able to send the thought away. None of that mattered. Not really.

  “Is there something specific you want to start with?” Mia asked.

  Stacey looked like she’d just been asked to sit in the corner. “I guess I just wanted to talk about stuff. And I wanted you to meet Brody.”

  Mia ran the tip of her tongue along the ridge of her teeth and shrugged. The baby had noticed she was behind him and was twisting to look at her. He grinned, showing a pair of newly emerged bottom teeth.

  He reached a slobbery fist Mia’s way and pumped his fingers as if perhaps he could get her to insert her nose next.

  Finally, Mia flattened her hands on top of the table. “You alluded to this in your letter, but Ben shared that he’s been keeping payments to you current. If you’re specifically looking for child care, he’s willing to fund it. And he says you knew this before reaching out to me.”

  Stacey nodded, sweeping her curtain of hair over her shoulder. “Mount Everest has made that clear, yes.”

  Mia blinked. “Mount Everest?”

  “I call him that to his face too.” She shrugged. “He’s frigid and imposing just like the mountain.”

  Mia pressed her lips together to stifle a laugh. She wasn’t willing to let the ice get broken yet, no follow-up pun intended.

  “Look, I get you may not care, but I can’t do this by myself. The whole time I was pregnant, I was back and forth about whether or not I was going to keep him or give him up. And then he was born, and it hit me that this kid is the most important thing I’ll ever do.” Stacey blinked until the tears in her eyes cleared. “But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. He cries a lot, and he’s really needy. My brother’s in Seattle and my mom’s a pothead and I haven’t seen my dad in a decade, so they’re no help. And I can keep sticking him with a babysitter when I can’t take it, but it doesn’t really do much for Brody in the long run. And Brad said…he said you were the best mother in the world. He said somehow you put yourself aside and always find the energy to give Ollie what he needs.” Stacey huffed and shook her head. “Like that was supposed to make me feel better about my lack of natural parenting skills, you know?”

  Mia swallowed as the compliment echoed through her. Brad had said that. About her.

  “I’m not asking you to have that kind of presence with Brody,” Stacey added. “But I just kept thinking that since you love your son like that, you’d want him to have his half brother around. And they both lost someone, so I…I just thought I should try, that’s all.”

  Mia pulled in a slow breath. It was harder to hold onto her dislike for this girl than she’d hoped. She reminded herself that what mattered, the reason she was here, was to help make the world better for her son. “They did lose a father. You’re right about that. Your son is too young to realize it right now. Ollie, on the other hand, is acutely aware of what he lost. He’s seven, and he’s vulnerable. Very much so. No one, absolutely no one, that he cares about will be allowed to walk out of his life for a long time if I can help it. So before any connection between them forms, I’d need assurance this would be for the long haul. No matter what. Even if parenting or personality differences divide us as mothers, that wouldn’t be a reason to sever a connection between them. I’d need assurance that you could agree to this.”

  Stacey’s lips parted for a second or two before she nodded. “Yeah, I can agree to that. I probably know a bit more about you than you know about me at this point, so I’m sold. I’m from Festus originally, but I’m here on full scholarship going to SLU. My mom says I’m book smart but decision stupid, which I guess explains Brody, but oh well. For sure, I’m here another few years. After that, I don’t have plans to go anywhere really. I wasn’t sure I would, but I like living in the city. I’m majoring in civil engineering and thinking about switching over to Wash U’s architecture program in grad school if I can get in with a scholarship. If I do, maybe Mount Everest will hire me to work at his firm. He’s stuffy, but he seems fair enough.”

  This was a bigger promise than she’d have settled for. Mia tucked her hands under her thighs. The baby was oohing and reaching for her, but she was doing her best not to pay attention to him. She was here to make a momentous decision, not to ogle over a charismatic baby. “So…how do you see this playing out exactly?”

  Stacey looked around the coffeehouse before her lips turned down in a slight frown. “I guess I’m hoping that you’ll want to include him in things. I’m not big on schedules when I don’t have to be, but I’m cool with it if you are. I try not to go anywhere without him when I’m not in class and I study when he’s asleep, but my grades tanked from all As to some As, two Bs, and a C last semester. I’m trying to get them back up because I want to keep my scholarship, obviously.”

  Mia was tempted to say she couldn’t imagine the pressure of a newborn and a full load of college classes, but she checked her words at the last second. It was going to be harder than she thought not to let Stacey in. Not to let the baby in.

  “We can talk schedules, if you want,” Stacey added, looking around the room again. “Only I have to pee really bad, and I don’t know where Micah went. You met him at the shelter the other day. I don’t have a car, so he drove. Only he’s like n
owhere. Think you could watch Brody a minute? It’s a bit disturbing how cool he is with strangers right now, so he won’t scream or anything.”

  “Um, yeah, I guess.” Mia swallowed.

  Stacey reached into a giant bag on the chair next to her and pulled out a bright and sparkly cloth baby book. “My aunt gave me this.” She had to lean to pass it far to the side to keep the baby from seizing it. “There’s a fake mirror on the last page. If he fusses, show it to him. He’s like his dad, I guess. He likes to look at himself.”

  A snort escaped before Mia could pull it back.

  “He sits up fine now, but I’ve been keeping my hands close just in case. Sometimes he lunges for things and topples over.”

  Stacey took off, and Mia scooted closer to the center of the table, locking her hands on either side of the baby. He was half-turned toward her, and his bright-blue eyes lit with excitement when she touched him. He clamped a drooly hand over the arm of her coat and burst out with a loud “Ooh!”

  She blinked back a rush of the surreal, looking at him dead on for the first time.

  In what seemed like a clear attempt to express himself, Brody bunched the loose material of her coat sleeve in his fist and made another loud ooh sound.

  A smile escaped Mia, small at first, then bigger. It was impossible to contain it. He smiled back and let out another “Ooh!”

  “You know what I think?” Mia asked, watching the way his bright eyes widened at the sound of her voice. “I think you’re just what Ollie’s been missing. And in a weird way, me too.”

  He lunged forward, possibly coming for her and possibly grabbing for the book resting by her elbow, but Mia caught him before he lost his balance. Then he forgot about the book and grabbed her nose, and her heart right along with it.

  Chapter 25

  When Ben pulled up to Mia’s Central West End house, he spotted her CR-V parked nearby. There were several open spaces on the curb directly in front of the house, but she’d parked across the street and down a bit, as if she was distancing herself from her connection to the place, and making Ben long to ask what thoughts were in her head, even before seeing her.