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  Books. Change. Lives.

  Copyright © 2019 by Debbie Burns

  Cover and internal design © 2019 by Sourcebooks

  Cover design by Dawn Adams/Sourcebooks

  Cover images © Mordoff/Getty Images; monkeybusinessimages/Getty Images

  Internal image © popicon/Shutterstock

  Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks.

  The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.

  All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks is not associated with any product or vendor in this book.

  Published by Sourcebooks Casablanca, an imprint of Sourcebooks

  P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410

  (630) 961-3900

  sourcebooks.com

  Contents

  Front Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Excerpt from Puppy Love

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Back Cover

  For Erick and Barb, and for the mountains you move every day

  Chapter 1

  While they weren’t ideal, the towering bluffs lining the Missouri River an hour outside St. Louis were the best climb Ben Thomas could get today. For the last three weeks, he’d been craving the escape of the mountains like never before. His successful ascent of Everest this year had taken its toll, so much so that Ben was surprised to feel the mountains’ call again so soon. But in light of what had happened, he yearned for their rigorous challenge and solitude.

  If he were able to get away, he’d head to the nearest Class 4 mountain that was climbable in mid-December. Not only was climbing his biggest passion, but it was the only activity that would successfully quiet his thoughts, the only time he could shut out the world. And right now, he needed to do both.

  He’d lost his oldest friend. And in losing him, Mia Chambers, the only woman Ben had ever loved, had become available.

  To keep from going stir-crazy, he craved more of a challenge than the hundred-foot-tall section of bluffs along the Missouri River offered him. But he had obligations to his company, the small architecture firm he’d started six years ago, and to Mia and her son—his godson—Ollie. Maybe being there for them had become small-scale torture the last several weeks, riddled with guilt as he was, but he wasn’t going to let them down now.

  Ben was scaling the most technical route on this strip of the craggy bluffs, and had only been semisuccessful in getting the image out of his head of Mia crumbling in front of him when he’d told her the news of Brad’s death. He was nearing the top and had reached a sharp overhang. He paused to test a tucked-away grip that had presented itself. His lats and quads were burning from exertion, and the knuckles on his right hand had been scraped raw from having to refasten a cam deep into a crevice, though he wouldn’t feel it until later.

  Down below, Taye, the thirteen-year-old who’d been his Little Brother for nearly two and a half years, was hanging around the base of the bluff, tossing tennis balls into the air for Cassie, a senior golden retriever who belonged to Taye’s aunt. Taye was hollering up encouragement more enthusiastically the higher Ben climbed. Taye had seen Ben climb bluffs before, but he hadn’t grown tired of it. Especially when Ben had to maneuver up rock overhangs like he was doing now that he was close to the top.

  Last month, Ben had convinced Taye’s mom to allow him to give Taye climbing lessons. Taye was the oldest of four kids, and his mom worked two jobs to make ends meet. Taye had a bigger-than-average set of responsibilities at home, and on top of that, his neighborhood wasn’t the easiest place to grow up. Taye had agreed to attend a magnet school for students gifted in math, and that hadn’t earned him any popularity with his neighborhood friends either. “If he learns he can climb, he’ll learn he can overcome,” Ben had insisted, swearing to keep the boy safe.

  Taye was a natural athlete and, as Ben had suspected, had taken to climbing the way birds took to flying. This afternoon’s lesson had been Taye’s second time out of the climbing gyms and on a bluff. And even though Taye’s route up was one Ben had scaled dozens of times, he’d stopped Taye a good twenty feet lower than the spry kid probably could’ve scaled. When Taye had threatened not to rappel down unless Ben, who would climb next, agreed to scale the most challenging path up, Ben had easily agreed. He welcomed the distraction, welcomed the ability to exhaust his muscles in hope that would help quiet his unsettled thoughts.

  But he shouldn’t expect to feel any differently. Tumultuous as his and Brad’s relationship had become, there was still a giant hole in Ben’s heart from the loss of his oldest friend. On top of that, he needed to be there to support Mia as she navigated the impossible waters of losing the husband with whom she’d been on the brink of divorce.

  Eight years ago, Ben had fallen wildly in love with Mia, and a few months afterward, in a cruel twist of fate, she’d married Brad. It wasn’t something she could be blamed for; at the time, she and Ben hadn’t even been introduced.

  He’d fallen in love with her words, with her bravery, with her depth of character over the course of a five-minute speech she’d given, a speech he hadn’t been supposed to hear. And since then, she’d proven those qualities tenfold.

  That first afternoon, she’d revealed things that had resonated deeper with Ben than anything ever had, creating a one-sided kinship he’d never felt with anyone else. Some of the details she’d shared about her childhood mirrored his. She’d grown up without one of her parents, and the other had abandoned her for a different lif
e. While his self-absorbed father had been in Ben’s life through adulthood, his mother had left when he was hardly more than a toddler. Abandonment, with its pain and loss, was a familiar glove.

  Ben wasn’t good with words, and he didn’t let people in easily. But Mia had snuck into his heart during the course of that speech. He’d never told her. All these years later, she didn’t even know he’d heard it. It wasn’t his class, or his college even. He’d stopped by to see Brad. Later, when he’d asked Brad to introduce them, things had gotten complicated. Really complicated.

  Over the years, it had morphed into one giant secret. As much as he’d like to tell Mia the whole story, Ben didn’t know how to do it without revealing how much her words had meant to him. And he couldn’t do that without causing her to question a lot of things about her life with Brad.

  So it was a secret he kept to himself.

  The only time he could successfully leave it behind was when he climbed—most of the time, that was.

  He’d been introduced to the sport when he was twelve by his father, who’d been a hobbyist climber for years. That first time Ben climbed real rock, out in Moab, he knew he’d never stop climbing. Even if doing so meant he had something in common with the father he resented more than anyone in his life. He’d been sixty feet up a near-vertical stretch of red rock, and his muscles were on fire. He was harnessed in and desperately wanting to quit. He was weighed down by his gear and utterly spent. He couldn’t scale another foot.

  But he hung onto the rock face and caught his breath, trying to rub away the sweat that was stinging his eyes.

  All he’d had to do was unhook and start his descent. Even if he was afraid the rope wouldn’t hold him, he knew it would. He’d just watched his father rappel down. And Ben had scaled much higher than expected on a first try. He had nothing to prove.

  But a gentle wind picked up, cooling him and breathing life back into his arms, hands, and shoulders. He looked around and realized he was doing something that would be impossible without ropes and carabiners and cams. He studied the stark and brilliant southern Utah desert and fell in love with the form of the sheer rock face rising from the earth as much as he fell in love with the sport itself.

  He made it up another fifteen feet before his muscles absolutely wouldn’t allow him to go higher, and from that afternoon on, climbing was in his blood. He climbed on vacations with his father several times a year and hung out at the climbing gym every chance he got, even got a job there when he turned sixteen.

  He stuck to technical climbs and Class 3 mountains till his father put the bug in his head that they try high-altitude climbing. It was a different beast entirely, but they did it together a few times. Those were among the few good memories Ben had of his father. When Ben was twenty-one and his father was sixty-six, they attempted Everest with a top-rated guide. His father wanted to set some kind of father-son ascent record, considering the difference in their ages, but their climb was cut short by a series of storms, and they never made it past Camp 2.

  Then, when he was twenty-two and Brad and Mia eloped, Ben had thrown himself into climbing like never before. It helped that he got his best ideas for work when he was climbing. Nature’s architecture had been inspiring his designs since his earliest climbs, and his small architectural firm was thriving. He worked and climbed and resigned himself to being introduced to Mia as Brad’s lifelong best friend. Later, a bit ironically, he even became Ollie’s godparent.

  It was hard for Ben to believe he’d made it through eight years of walking a tightrope of friendship with his best friend. It was also hard to believe that somehow, in spite of all the promises he’d made to himself, he’d not done a better job of falling out of love with Mia. Instead, without admitting it to anyone, he’d only managed to tumble in deeper.

  Three months ago, he’d been bowled over when Mia left Brad and they were suddenly on the brink of divorce. Ben had done his best to keep his head down and stay busy. Not to think he might actually have a chance someday. Then three weeks ago, he’d gotten a call he’d never in his life expected. Brad was dead. An aneurysm had ended his life in seconds, stunning everyone who knew him.

  Ben reached the top of the bluff after an exhausting near-vertical climb underneath an eight-foot overhang. The overhang had minimal grips and crevices at its top lip, but he was able to secure his cams at the crest of it. Afterward, he locked in his rope, grabbed on, and released his foot grips. He allowed his arms to extend straight, and his body hung free in the air a hundred feet above the trail.

  “That’s so dope, Spidey,” Taye yelled up. “Sweet! That’s me next time. If you hadn’t stopped me, I could’ve done it today.” Next to him, Cassie barked, enlivened by Taye’s excitement, the sharp sound piercing the quiet afternoon.

  Ben relished the relief that flooded into the spent muscles in his forearms and calves. Finally, he swung a leg up to shoulder level and hauled himself over the ridge. He collapsed on the dried grass and leaves on top of the bluff, his spare gear jamming into his back. A forest of bare trees rose above him, framed by the pale-blue winter sky.

  “That was so dope.” Taye’s voice floated up from down below. “Only the reception here sucks, so I can’t post it.”

  Ben swiped an arm over his face, brushing away fresh beads of sweat as his breathing slowed. “Dope,” he mouthed, thinking how fast Taye was tumbling into the precarious teen world. He rolled over and rose, leaning over just enough to spot Taye’s tennis ball rocketing high into the air and topping out not far below the crest of the bluff. Down below, Cassie was strategically placing herself to catch it, which she did, her jaws clamping around it securely, proving an adeptness she’d carried into her senior years.

  Taye whooped at her success and pumped his fist.

  “Nice one!” Ben called down, then swung his foot over the edge and began his descent. “See if you can throw one up here, and I’ll toss it to her before I come down.”

  Eight years ago, if Ben had been told his window of opportunity to be with Mia would be handed to him alongside the crushing blow of losing his oldest friend, he’d likely have packed his things and moved to Europe. He’d have built his architecture firm in a city where he’d be revamping homes made of stone and stucco instead of red brick. But he’d stayed here and become a godparent to Ollie and a Big Brother to Taye, and he’d steered clear of relationships and, for the most part, women in general. Waiting. Always waiting. Until three weeks ago, at least. Since then, it felt as if things were about to slip into hyperdrive.

  Chapter 2

  The High Grove Animal Shelter’s second holiday event this December was in full swing by the time Mia Chambers arrived for her shift. After circling the crowded streets, she found a parking spot on a side street two blocks away.

  Following a string of warm late-fall days, gray clouds covered the sky and the temperature was dropping. Mia drew her coat closed but didn’t bother with her gloves for the short walk.

  She’d been volunteering at the shelter since she was a teenager and couldn’t recall ever before having the sort of reservation about walking in that she did today. It was unfounded, she knew. The shelter’s small staff and other longtime volunteers had become like her extended family over the years, and for the last three trying weeks, they’d more than had her back. They’d been sending cards, dropping off delicious meals for her and her son, Ollie, and offering to run errands.

  And even though she was walking into a traditionally judgment-free zone, Mia couldn’t shake the feeling that her new status would define her forever. She was a thirty-year-old widow and mother of one. And she wasn’t even a typical grieving widow because she was a widow who’d been in the process of divorcing her husband when he died.

  This brought to mind images of wicked witches and poisoned apples and flying monkeys. Maybe flying monkeys were a touch over the top, but Mia couldn’t suppress a wave of insecurity over how her shelter f
riends might now see her.

  In late August, shortly after Ollie started first grade, Mia made a life-changing decision. The bad in her marriage had outweighed the good by too much for too long. She’d left Brad and brought Ollie with her. She’d tucked tail and moved back into her late-grandparents’ empty house, knowing she had neither the income nor the savings to warrant a second rent or mortgage right now. The final straw had been one that had ended stronger marriages than hers. Brad had owned up to being unfaithful in a moment of weakness.

  Their marriage had been anything but strong, and when Brad admitted that he’d cheated, Mia was ready to face the next step. She’d known for a while she was going to leave him. Eventually. The idea of how divorce might affect her son was what had kept her hot-gluing their marriage together.

  Mia had dug in and attempted to be the best spouse she could after a giant blowup at work had finally sent Brad into treatment and he’d been diagnosed as bipolar. That was nearly four years ago. Ever since, Mia had felt more like a single mother of two than a married mother of one.

  After giving Ollie a few months to adjust to their separation, Mia had made an appointment with a lawyer and begun the process of filing for divorce. A week later, more than a touch ironically, Brad had had an aneurysm rupture and had died while biking.

  In one unexpected swoop, Mia had gone from feeling as if she was finally getting her life together to being less grounded than ever.

  Ben had been the one to tell her about the aneurysm that had taken Brad’s life. He was Brad’s oldest friend, and over the course of her and Brad’s marriage, he’d also become someone Mia trusted immensely. And even that tragic moment had been a chaotic mess. She’d opened the door of her grandparents’ house to find Ben on the other side of the stoop with an impossibly pained look in his dark-brown eyes.

  She and Ollie had been fostering one of the shelter dogs, an Irish setter who’d since been adopted and who’d likely never be trustworthy off leash. Having caught the look on Ben’s face, Mia had forgotten everything and left the door open wide enough that the frisky dog had escaped.