Love at First Bark Page 21

  Suddenly full of indecision, Mia zipped on her coat, tugged on a dry pair of gloves, and headed out into the cold and snow. And then doubt rushed in. They’d done so much last night, but they’d done no real talking. What if she was falling in deep but Ben wasn’t interested in being in this for the long haul?

  He told you the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard in your life, you idiot.

  When she heard her mom’s voice in her head insisting that words were easily spoken but actions created waves, Mia thought of how easily Ben had gotten aroused and how many times he’d been able to climax.

  Fresh snow crunched under Mia’s feet as she walked, and thick, heavy flakes fell unabated from a steel-gray blanket of clouds. The muscles in her legs had a hot, rubbery feel to them, like after the time she’d tried a hard-core Pilates class after dabbling in a few poses at home. Some of her soreness this morning was from the hours of snow play yesterday. And some of it was from last night with Ben.

  She circled around the lake, confusion muddling her thoughts and weighing her steps. The woods and lake were remarkable in the thick snowfall. She did her best to hold on to the beauty around her and let all the confusion fall away.

  Somehow, even frozen and snow-covered, the big, still lake filled her with the same peace as when she lowered herself into a warm, steamy bath. Sticking to the narrow embankment, she trudged through deep snow and continued circling the lake, fascinated by how still and quiet the woods were when muffled by the falling snow. Even her footsteps seemed to be hushed.

  She spotted giant tracks that could only belong to a moose, crossing the center of the lake and leading into the woods. She wondered if the big bull moose had come up to the house today and she’d missed him. On the far side of the bank, she stirred up a fluffy snowshoe hare; it crossed her path and dashed into a nearby pile of brush.

  She was winding back around, closing in on the snowman where they’d spread Brad’s ashes, when she spotted Irene standing next to it, looking out at the lake.

  “It’s beautiful in the snow, isn’t it?” Mia offered as she joined her.

  “It’s peaceful. I’m glad to see it.” Irene wrapped one gloved hand over the fingers of her other and locked them in front of her chest. “You’re young, Mia. I’m not going to pretend my son was faultless. I’m not blind. But he’s a part of Ollie. If you move on without him…” She stopped and cleared her throat, and Mia saw she was near tears.

  “Irene, I know that the best parts of him are in Ollie. He was a great dad. Ollie will remember. So will I.”

  Irene flashed her a sharp look. “I saw you outside last night. You and Ben.”

  A stab of surprise shot through Mia. She stood straighter, waiting for the reprimand she was certain was coming even though she’d done nothing wrong. And any attempt to justify to Irene what had been a beautiful thing would only stain her memory of it. So she said nothing in defense.

  Irene had been looking out at the lake and she turned to face Mia, her piercing gaze suddenly as sharp as her tone. “You’re less like your socialist mother than I thought you were. I didn’t realized how ambitious you are until I saw you in Ben’s arms last night. He’s vulnerable right now, and he might even let you in. I shouldn’t begrudge you for it, knowing how well Ollie would prosper with access to Ben’s connections, to that family’s money. But I do. I do begrudge you for it, Mia. And this affair of yours will haunt me. So know this. Brad will be between you. Always.”

  As prepared as she thought she’d been to face this, Mia wasn’t. Irene’s words cut, but even more than they hurt, they made her furiously angry. “Don’t try to label my mother! You’ll never get her right, just like you never got your son right. And as far as everything else…” Mia’s hands clenched into fists, and her stomach was a tight ball of anger. “Screw you! Brad and I were divorcing, and I don’t have to justify anything to you. Or take any of this either.”

  She turned on her heels, knowing if she stayed any longer, a torrent of accusations of her own would pour out, including many of the things she’d held back over the years.

  She headed toward the cabin, but as she reached twenty feet of the back porch, she realized she was too angry to head inside. Her roiling anger didn’t mesh with a cozy fire and a game of chess. And most certainly, her mom would pick up on her mood. The last thing they needed was for Lynn and Irene to get into it.

  Remembering the giant moose, Mia knew it wasn’t safe to charge off into the woods. Instead, she took off down the long driveway. When she reached the end and was still fuming, she trudged along the empty, snow-covered road, away from the direction they’d driven in. The snow was deep enough that walking took considerably more effort than usual, and more than anything else, this effort helped Mia distance herself from her anger.

  She walked and walked, and it seemed as if the desolate road and scattered houses went on forever. Finally, the snowflakes petered out, but the winds picked up and the temperature dropped as soon as they did. A few pickup trucks and SUVs passed, the last being a lone man in a battered orange truck who slowed and looked at her hard, making Mia decide it was time to head back. She’d not brought along her phone, but it wasn’t as if she had any reception up here anyway.

  The walking she’d done had made her already-spent legs ache. She had no real idea how much distance she still had left to the driveway when she spotted a figure approaching in the distance. Squinting hard, she was able to make out a man with a head of dark hair and a black-and-white dog on a leash walking her way, and she breathed a sigh of relief. Ben.

  When she’d closed about half the distance to him, she heard a vehicle approaching from behind and turned to see the orange truck heading back in her direction. Chills ran down her spine. If it wasn’t for the fact that Ben was in sight, she’d be in a state of panic. That single look from the driver had given her the creeps.

  She was still fifty or sixty yards from Ben when the truck reached her and slowed to a crawl. Fear ricocheted through her, and adrenaline dumped into her system.

  “Need a lift?”

  She shook her head as assertively as possible, suppressing a shiver. It was the way he was looking at her. She imagined him browsing through a row of X-rated movies, his mouth hanging open the way it was.

  “No. I’m with my friend.” She pointed up ahead at Ben and Turbo.

  For a couple seconds, the driver continued to roll the truck along beside her without answering. “So be it,” he said finally. The truck was flipped into reverse, and the driver steered it backward at an angle until the back tires dropped off onto the shoulder, then, mercifully, he drove off in the opposite direction, his back wheels skidding.

  Mia’s knees went weak. Walking her anger off in the woods had felt dangerous, but she realized she’d likely been no safer out here in the middle of nowhere walking on a desolate road.

  When she met up with Ben a couple minutes later, he looked as tense as she’d felt when the truck was beside her. “What’d he say?”

  “He asked if I wanted a ride.”

  Ben pulled in a controlled breath. “Mia, I know you’re your own woman, but it’s too isolated here to walk alone on these roads.”

  “You don’t have to tell me that again. I just… I needed some space. I didn’t plan on walking this far.”

  He closed a hand over hers, their fingers entwining automatically. Her body under her thick coat was warm enough, but her hands were freezing through her thin gloves and she savored his superior warmth radiating out against her palm. Turbo jumped up, pressing his paws into her thighs and sniffing her. She paused to scratch him under the chin.

  “Want to tell me about it?” Ben fell into step beside her as they headed back.

  “Did Irene say anything to you?”

  “No, when she came in and then a half hour passed and you hadn’t come back, I asked if she knew where’d you’d gone. She said she did
n’t but admitted that she may have upset you. I found your footprints and tracked you here, and when I saw that truck stop beside you… All I can say is I’m glad I did.”

  “Me too. That guy gave me the creeps.”

  They walked for a while in silence until it occurred to Mia how easy and natural it was to hold Ben’s hand. And it didn’t feel like she was holding the hand of the guy who’d been her husband’s lifelong best friend.

  Brad will be between you. Always. Irene’s words resounded through Mia’s head as clearly as if she’d heard them aloud again.

  She stopped walking and dropped Ben’s hand like a hot potato. “I’m not trying to take advantage of you.”

  He stopped and faced her, waiting a second or two before replying as his eyes searched hers. “I know that. Is that what she said?”

  “She said I’m ambitious. She saw us outside.” Mia stamped one foot and clenched her fists. “And I get that I came on to you. And I know you have money, and you know that I don’t. But that wasn’t what last night was about.”

  “Are you trying to tell me or her, Mia? Because I know this already. And you know as well as I do: you could explain it to her until the end of time, and she wouldn’t get it. But as I said last night, you have my heart. And I meant it.”

  Mia pulled in a shaky breath as they started walking again. She was getting colder by the second, and it helped to walk shoulder to shoulder with him so some of his warmth become hers. Tears stung her eyes. She wanted to bawl and scream and wrap her arms around him and never let go.

  “It’s just… It’s really soon, Ben.”

  “It is. I know. And people will talk. Nothing I can do will make that any easier.”

  “Then what are you saying?”

  His boots kicked up snow as he walked, and Turbo pranced ahead at the edge of the leash. “This is your path, Mia, your decision. If I could make it easier for you, I would, but I can’t.”

  She walked beside him in silence, feeling the deep exhaustion in her legs and an ache in her bones. Her hand found its way to his again, their fingers entwining automatically.

  “I don’t know how to make sense of this. It’s so big. Last night…” She swallowed hard. Saying this—exposing herself this way—made her feel as vulnerable as if she was shedding layers of clothes, and it frightened the hell out of her. “If someone had told me there could be nights like last night, I’d never have believed them. And I honestly don’t know what that means. I just… I have to know I can trust myself not to get swallowed up. With you. I have Ollie to think about.”

  The muscles in Ben’s jaw were rigid with tension, yet his grip on her hand was supportive but gentle. “Last night… I hadn’t planned on it happening. I should’ve had the strength to stop it, but I didn’t.” He gave her a small smile as they walked. “And that doesn’t mean I have any regrets. I don’t. Not one. But your life, Ollie’s life, has been turned upside down. You have choices to make. And you have time. You have time, Mia. All that you need.”

  Mia chewed her lip. She could finally see the turnoff for the long driveway in the distance, and even though it would be awhile before they were in view of the house, it was disheartening to know she’d need to let go of his hand soon.

  As Turbo trotted in front of them, weaving an irregular pattern in the snow as he sniffed things that couldn’t be seen, Mia had a plain-as-day revelation. Eight years ago, when she’d told her mom she was pregnant and marrying Brad, Lynn had told her that if she betrayed her heart, it would betray her. Mia had asked her mom what she’d meant, and Lynn had replied that Brad would never—could never—be Mia’s big love. And maybe because she’d felt the truth in her mom’s words, she’d never forgotten them.

  But walking beside Ben, she realized it would be easy, too easy, for him to be that for her. A big, impossibly giant love. All she had to do was let him in.

  But big love required big faith. Mia felt like she was on a really high diving board, and the ladder down behind her had been taken away.

  Not knowing what else to do, she pressed his gloved hand against her chest and thanked him for the only thing she could let him give her right now. Time.

  Chapter 22

  Ben sank into the chair at his dining room table next to Taye, sliding the plate of cheese, sliced meat, and crackers he’d fixed to the center of the table. An unsliced apple was at the center of the plate, looking a bit mismatched with its counterparts. “I was out of bread, so it’s just crackers today.”

  Whenever Taye came over, Ben liked to send him home with a full stomach. He remembered being thirteen and insatiably hungry. He could see this in Taye and figured it added to Taye’s mom’s groceries bills. Taye shrugged and loaded several pieces of cheese and meat onto one cracker. Turbo was sitting at attention at his side, his head cocked, watching the teen as if he knew exactly who to beg from.

  Turbo and Taye hadn’t been together in seven days, and it hadn’t just been Taye who’d been excited to see Turbo. From the limited experience Ben had had with the dog so far, he’d seen that Turbo acted largely indifferent to the people he encountered at the park and on walks. But he’d barked and wagged his tail when he spotted Taye walking toward them fifteen minutes ago.

  Loaded cracker in one hand, Taye twisted to face Ben and lifted his paper off the table. “So far, my resolutions are to get to fifty push-ups, to stop worrying about the refs and play my best game, not to complain when my mom makes me watch my little sisters, to visit my dad in Memphis this summer, and the big one at the bottom is to bring Turbo home.” Taye waggled an eyebrow. “What do ya think?”

  “Those are good resolutions.” Ben turned his mug of steaming tea in a slow circle. He had never gotten in the habit of making New Year’s resolutions. He tended to hold a few major goals or intentions at the forefront of his thoughts, and that was it. “What about adding something about homework? You’re doing it right now, so you’re off to a good start.” Taye was smart enough to skate by without doing most of his homework, but the older he got, the more that would cost him.

  Taye frowned at his paper as he stuffed the loaded cracker into his mouth in one giant bite. He picked up his pencil and added “Do most of my homework” at the bottom.

  You’ve got to give him something for honesty.

  Taye slipped the paper into his notebook and pulled out a math packet as Turbo inhaled the crumbs that fell to the floor.

  “Aren’t you going to do your resolutions?” he said when he was mostly finished chewing.

  Ben frowned at the empty sheet of paper next to his mug that Taye had given him. He couldn’t very well write “Give Mia time” as a resolution, but this year, more than anything else, that was at the front of his thoughts. Those days in the cabin had been a gift. For the first time in eight years, Ben didn’t doubt she returned his feelings. Even after asking for time, she’d found her way into his room two of the three nights they’d had left in the cabin, and she’d spoken her feelings with her body plainly enough.

  The night after they’d had the conversation out on the road, they’d been the last two awake again. He’d been in the living room working on his laptop when she’d come out of Ollie’s room. She’d headed into the kitchen, and after her earlier declaration of needing time, he’d expected her go to bed or possibly come in and talk a few minutes if she wasn’t tired. But she’d joined him on the couch looking as sexy as ever in that flannel nightshirt and no bra, and he’d been struggling to keep his blood from heating when she’d asked if it made her wicked to want a pass after asking for time.

  He’d been about to clarify what she meant by “pass” when she leaned in and brushed her lips against his neck. She’d taken the lead, crawling onto his lap and instigating a wildly hot make-out session that culminated in her going down on him before he’d carried her into his room. There, they’d spent another hour or two letting their bodies speak for them.

&n
bsp; They’d found their way to each other again on New Year’s Eve, after Irene had left for New York and just the four of them had welcomed in the new year three hours early for Ollie’s sake, and for Lynn’s, who hadn’t fallen into a regular sleeping pattern since coming back from Africa and had marked the new year as special with a sleepover in Ollie’s room.

  Just before midnight, it had been Ben and Mia and a bottle of champagne, and when they’d both reached for the same glass and brushed fingers, he’d ended up having her right there in the kitchen where they’d been pouring fresh glasses with the intent to step outside to ring in the new year. He couldn’t help but hope that the fact that he’d been inside her when one year passed into the next was an omen of good things to come.

  But of course he couldn’t tell Taye any of this, just like he couldn’t write “Give Mia time” on an empty list of resolutions. So under Taye’s curious gaze, Ben wrote Learn to make pad thai, moussaka, and cacciatore, a few of his favorite nontraditional meals, and followed it with Restart jujitsu classes, then Sell the Aston Martin, Continue to focus on client satisfaction, and ended with Have fun with Taye and Turbo.

  Taye munched a new sandwich of meat and cheese only, no cracker, as Ben finished. “That’s it?”

  “If you’re looking for ‘Climb K2,’ it won’t make the list this year.”

  “What about hooking up with a girl? I mean, being alone is cool and all, but don’t you want a family? You’re like, what, twenty-eight, right? My mom was twenty-five when she had me.”

  Ben frowned. “I’m thirty, and yes, I want a family. I’ve just been waiting.”

  “Waiting for what?”

  “It’s complicated.” He couldn’t explain his eight-year love for Mia to a thirteen-year-old kid.